With the precision shooting and people skills of a big metal goon, Ollie has been camping it up on the Korfball scene for quite some time now, pictured here doing his hokey cokey goal celebration dance. Originally from Suffolk, Ollie had a colourful youth starring in renowned East Anglian productions such as Debbie does Dagenham and What happens in Lowestoft stays in Lowestoft. Now settled in Glasgow, he lives by four directives:

1. Dont pass the ball to lesser mortals.

2. Patronise the innocent.

3. Watch every series of Desperate Housewives.

4. ***CLASSIFIED (but probably involves Chinese takeaway)***

Packing years of wisdom into a slight 4 four eight frame, Jade coaches the team with enthusiasm and excitement, punctuating silences with pearls such as Make it a big one, Always make eye contact and the always popular Use both hands. Issuing instructions through a series of clicks and whistles only intelligible to members of the canine family, Jades profound teachings have made sure the Glasgow Korfball team no longer gets sand kicked in our faces by the bigger boys. But will be able to get our beach ball back?

Graham - Poet, cripple, IT Consultant and closet bottle blonde

Graham has been on injured reserve for over fifty years now. The origins of the injury remain a mystery, but a fabricated doctors report was once produced citing third degree carpet burns. Proving his worth from the sidelines, Graham is always ready to help with his wise words and magic sponge which he administers with his massive scoop like hands. Hopefully on his way back to fitness, he now has a turning circle a dump-truck would be proud of.

Having been one of our more unorthodox cheerleaders for two years, Graham is now a firm believer in the Five Ks of Korfball:

1. Korf

2. Catch

3. Kiss

4. Cuddle

5. King Rib Supper

(Usually in that order.)

Patty - the joker in the pack

“Own Goal” Patsy is the joker in the pack, the maverick playmaker and the only one capable of whirling round and trying to stick one in our own basket. Nobody quite knows what’s going on in her crazy head as she dreams up new ways of embarrassing the club and everyone in it. The question remains though – what did she do with the Sherminator’s autograph?

 Steve

Brought up in the projects of lower West Side Dundee, Steve forsook a promising early career as a raspberry picker in the Tayside Steppes to seek his fortune in the west coast – amassing large amounts of cash in three pound increments. He may be getting on a bit now, but don’t let his baldy head and gnarled hands fool you – he’s actually really slow and not very agile either.

Lucie

Lucie came to Scotland from a strange far away land where up is down, people drive their horse carts on the left and an onion is allowed to run for President. She brings to the Korfball court some distinguished flute playing skills, although we have to work out how best to harness these powers. At a terse five foot one, Lucie has her very own pre-match warm up routine – entertaining the crowd with her amazing “Disappearing chocolate biscuit trick”. Darting about with the grace of a baby horse – will she manage to beat last year’s goal tally of “nil points”?

 Laura

Busy exec Laura manages to find time between knitting, yoga, baking cookies, and pyjama themed dinner parties to pitch up on Wednesdays for the thrill of throwing a ball in a hoop. With a fringe that just won’t quit, it is rumoured her pigtails have special magical powers. Will she persuade the team to utilise her range of designed knitwear into the home strips? We most certainly hope not.

Brian

A former Glasgow Korfer , Brian moved to Chicago in the summer of 2010 so he could emulate his hero – legendary blues musician Vanilla Ice. Hard to believe he forsook a promising career as an NHS administrator to pursue his dream of dishing out soup and wiping hobos bottoms in inner city Illinois. One day he may make a triumphant return, taking his rightful place as second reserve assistant bench warmer.

Martin – Czech Joy Boy No 1

Martin, or to give him his full title: Martin Cultural Learnings of Korfball for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Giffnock, has made great strides since joining the club. Unfortunately those great strides seem to stem from a love of rugby league rather than Korfball as he regularly pole-axes unwitting and defenceless opponents, most of whom prefer to keep their internal organs in one piece. Given the amount of bone, blood and gristle under his fingernails after each practice session, nobody’s ever been brave enough to pop along to one of his dinner parties.

Jakub - Czech Joy Boy No 2

Is it cause I is Czech? A recent recruit from the middle of Europe, east of where they make good cars, and west from where they make good vampires, Jakub boasts a grasp of English that would leave C3PO scratching his little metal head. With a magpie like penchant for bright shiny things, Jakub sports more bling than a Ratners clearance sale. His secret weapons are his human beatbox and an ability to remove opponents’ gold teeth as they stand under the posts.

Alex

“Hello Alex. What’s that? You’d like a tummy tickle.... Oh all right then...“ Shy mountain man Alex, originally lured to the club by promises of biscuits and a saucer of warm milk, has thrived in an environment previously unknown to him –indoors. Raised in the Scottish Highlands, where men are men and women are also men, he can survive for days on roots and berries that would make a billy goat chuck, although most of it gets snagged on his beard. These stoic outdoor survival skills will come in handy should the team bus ever get stranded somewhere desolate, barren and depressing – like Harthill services.

Kate & Naomi

“Haw you, gies a pass”. Two of South Ayrshire’s finest make the trip up the M77 every Wednesday in their horseless wagon from the beautiful city of Kilmarnock - the “Vladivostock of the south”. Originally attracted to the club by the prospect of “shooting up”, their weekly trips to the big city are helping Kate & Naomi adjust to life in a semi-civilised society. They have recently demonstrated an ability to tuck into a Killie pie using both knife and fork. Baby steps indeed. Both fiery characters, seldom does a training session conclude without a tussle breaking out between the two, usually over an argument about who fancies the curly haired spring chicken from One Direction the most.